Friday, June 11, 2010

Nurturing Your Male Needs

It is common knowledge that females have certain needs that are very important to their welfare. Most males are aware that females have these needs and do all they can in order to make their women feel nurtured, to a certain degree. This is not to say that men are naturally intuitive, in fact quite the opposite seems to be more of the standard, but when they aren’t supplying their spouse's needs, somehow they are made aware of it. Women have several ways of letting men know when they are not being satisfied. Many of these ways are not always verbal. When males sense something is not quite right they do what they are capable of doing in order to “make momma happy.” When momma is not happy, no one is happy.

However, when it comes to taking care of your masculine needs, very little attention is given. Males do all they can to please and nurture females, but the opposite is not the standard. When it comes to nurturing masculine needs most males are not consciously aware of what their needs may be because rarely is it verbally expressed. It is not that males want to become pampered by females but that they have certain needs that will make them function better. It is similar to how vehicles require regular maintenance in order to function at their best level of performance.

Several years back I read a booklet that spoke about masculine needs and how to nurture them. At the time I was not aware that I needed certain pampering or maintenance in order to function to the best of my ability. After reading this material I got it right away. I realized that when I was properly maintained I functioned better. Many men think that they need to be fulfilled sexually and that would place them at the top of their abilities.

In truth sex pertains to a physical need, but we are more than just physical creatures. We have emotional, spiritual and psychological needs in addition to our physical needs. Although our physical needs are quite important, sex is not a cure-all. It is not even a panacea for our physical needs.

Without getting into copyrighted material I will summarize some of the things this material revealed to me in reference to our masculine needs. Once you become aware of these needs you can personally take charge of being in charge of your own masculinity. You become the gatekeeper in order to make sure you are being properly maintained. Many of these requirements are up to you to carve out pf time and space in order to make sure they are met. Below, I will briefly mention these needs and you can figure out where you stand by way of servicing and maintenance. This was taken from a booklet by John Gray, PhD called, “Twelve Ways for Men to Nurture Their Masculinity.”

One: Men need to spend time with other males competing as a team or as individuals. This helps them to sharpen their personal tools. As boys you learned to play hard against each other. Even though you saw that as play, you learned life skills that help you today in a competitive world. When you learn to operate as a team that helps you in things such as family, business, or other natural groupings where we (males) are involved.

Two: Men need time alone in order to contemplate where they are in life and what they need to do in order to proceed forward. If you do not take this time alone for self-reflection life has a way of smothering you and you won’t be able to see through the fog. Find ways of spending time alone in self-reflection and it will keep you aligned with your purpose, your goals, and what you perceive as your truth. This was referred to as “cave time.”

Three: Males need to find ways of releasing their warrior energies. Males are born with aggressive tendencies. This is why they were the primary candidates for soldiers in war. They could be trained to unleash their warrior-like energies. These energies can be released by, playing games, looking at violent movies, exerting themselves physically through playing hard, and the like.

Four: Men need to regularly exert their muscles in different ways. There are energies that are running through your system that need to be managed properly. Allowing your muscles to flex helps to manage your masculine energies. Doing different things that allow your muscles to flex helps nurture your masculinity.

Five: Push yourself to new higher limits. Not only do you need to push your muscles, you need to push your mind. You need to reach for higher goals. Don’t get too comfortable with the status quo because that makes you age. Learn new things and keep pushing yourself.

Six: Do random acts of kindness. This will keep you spiritually-adjusted. Learn to do things for others. Learn to put the needs of others above your own selfish needs. Even though you need to always protect self, thinking outside of the self helps you to practice your masculine roles and the responsibilities that are expected of you. You are protector and provider. In order to do so you must think outside of just yourself.

Seven: Don’t punish those in your inner circle. Usually you take out your frustrations on the ones who are nearest to you. The ones in your own home tend to catch the brunt of your emotional storms. Find other ways of releasing without punishing the ones in your inner circle.

Eight: Do things that make you feel accomplished and in charge. Just as you would make a “to-do list” for the job or for household chores, make a list of things you do just to satisfy your needs. Perhaps no one does things for you that make you feel good. Not to worry, make your own list and do them for you just as you would do them for others.

Nine: Overcome procrastination. When something needs to be done do it immediately. Don’t put things off until later because that becomes a deadly habit. Make a check-list and do the ones that are tough first. The rest will be so easy that they practically take care of themselves. Become proactive. Do it NOW!

Ten: Don’t allow fear to freeze you. Most of us allow our fears to stop us in our tracks. If you want to do something and sense fear, face it. There is a reason why most people do not accomplish their goals. It is because they allow fear to stop them from acting. Face fear and overcome it. Use it as your motivation.

Eleven: Practice containing your anger. When you sense anger beginning to grow inside you, become conscious of the escalating agitation. Do something to divert or displace the anger. Sense it; give it a name as you would a tropical storm. When you face it you gain the upper hand rather than allowing it to take you out of your mental control.

Twelve: Create a male support group or system. Find other males you can speak to about emotional things or things that you don’t know how to express. A best buddy is good to have but if not, find other males that you can bounce things off. Don’t live in a bubble. Create a male support system.

I am not trying to infringe on copyrighted material but instead passing on something that I thought was extremely beneficial in helping me understand my masculine needs. Google John Gray PhD and learn more of his pointers to aid in your understanding of gender needs and differences. This is my paraphrase of what I learned from that book. I am happy to give credit where credit is due. Again, this is not something that I created.

Yes guys, you have masculine needs. Make sure you are doing something to fulfill those needs just as you are doing things to fill the needs of others.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Parenting Issues

One of the major responsibilities for most males is the role of parenting. For most of them this responsibility does not come easy. Males in general are not formally taught how to be good parents. Most learn from watching others fill this role such as our father, relatives, or other male role models that happened to be in their focus of attention. Because of this lack of adequate parental education most have their share of failures when it comes to being fathers.

Parenting can be a very tough role to fill. Like most other adult roles it requires on the job training. We do the best we can with the few skills we have. Unfortunately most of us don’t have good reliable resources to turn to when we have questions regarding how to effectively parent our children. Most don’t even have reliable resources to turn to in order to learn about marital issues in general, which include dealing with your spouse in addition to the children, the in-laws, aging parents, and a host of things that come with matrimony.

If you only had one issue to handle such as being a great dad perhaps you could buckle down and tackle that chore with personal pride and do an adequate job of what you set out to achieve. If life were that simple then more of us would be much more successful. Unfortunately we do not get to tell life when or how to dish us out our responsibilities. They do not come just one at a time wrapped in a neat package. On the contrary they usually come in bundles. While you are learning how to become a decent parent you have to also learn how to be a decent husband at the same time. You have to learn how to get along with in-laws, how to deal with employment issues, and a multitude of other issues at the same time. In fact, when it rains, it pours!

When you open the doors of problems to deal with they seem to flock together. Most young married couples don’t have the necessary maturity to deal with that much stress under intense pressure so many times they fold under fire. The marriage crumbles. Yet, you have to still be a parent to your children for life. How do you separate all the anger and venom from a failed marriage so you can still perform your job and responsibility as a parent? No one ever said it would be easy. When you thought you were falling in love with your potential mate you never anticipated having so many things to deal with at once, all requiring your immediate attention.

I’m not trying to paint a dark picture, but before you make the decision to become a parent you need to think through the big picture. Being married in and of itself can be trying and complicated. Learning how to deal with in-laws can have its challenges. Dealing jointly with finances, employment issues, career issues, and just coming together as a team with others is extremely challenging. Wouldn’t it be prudent to work slowly into all these tentacles before you bring children into the world when you will be required to master being the parent in addition to all the other issues?

Being a parent is one of your most important roles as a male, if you decide to become one. Since it is such a precious responsibility you should think carefully before you allow the heat of the moment to create a child. Although you may never be fully ready for the challenges that a young family offers, you can plan ahead and talk over such things with your spouse in order to have a planned family rather than one that you are dealing with blindly. For those who choose to bring children into the world with no desire to become a fully-active parent, shame on you. That is a cruel thing to do to a child, who deserves a fair chance to compete in such a complicated world.

If you choose to get married and start a family, make sure you think this thing through. Don’t just allow regularly and readily available sex to dominate your reason for getting married or for having children. It is much more complicated that just calling yourself a married person. There is much to do, much to learn, and much to consider, especially before you bring children into the world. If you get married while you are young, in your teens or early twenties, don’t rush children into the package. Learn about each other and about the complications of being married before you take the next logical step of bringing children into the picture. Once you bring them in it is too late to undo the lifelong obligation of parenting.

These are things that males need to think through before just jumping into the sack. It is not just for the pleasure of sex. If you want just sex do something to insure that you do not accidentally bring a child into the world unplanned and perhaps even unwanted! Don’t be that irresponsible with the life of a child. Don’t take the role of parenting lightly. It requires much more than you may think while only looking at the picture from the outside. It is a tough responsibility, but it can be a very rewarding one. All I am saying is to think it through wisely before you decide to become a parent. Be prepared for the challenges and step up to the plate to do the right things when the issues come up. Being a parent is one of the toughest roles you could have as a male, but also one of the most rewarding when it is done right.

Greg Middleton is the founder of Real Men Seminars LLC, an organization dedicated to helping men become better men.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010



Sparks of fire ignite from time to time instigated by a racial issue . Albeit a remark made by a public figure such as a politician, or an abuse of authority made by someone in a leadership position, such as a police officer, it doesn’t take much of a spark to ignite a fire when it comes to racial matters. The reason this happens is because just beneath the surface of society there is a huge undercurrent of sores that have never been properly dealt with. People haven’t been able to safely vent their concerns related to racial matters. Consequently these sores hover all around us just out of public view. They're like a powder keg waiting to explode. During times when certain issues are brought to our attention they normally trigger sparks that ignite the fuse of these deep emotional scars.

Without a doubt we have made great strides toward racial justice, but the pit was, and still is so deep that we need to find ways of analyzing the gravity of the issues before we can methodically work toward curing them. This problem will not fade away overnight. It will not die unless we bring it to the forefront and deal with it. Waiting on the people who are tainted by bigotry to die, alone will not solve the problem. Like the ocean, even though the surface of the problem may appear rather calm, there are always deep hidden undercurrents below the surface. Just ignoring the problem is rarely the best solution to solving it.

As a nearly sixty one year old African American Male born in the South, I’m a witness to the reality of racial matters, including discrimination, bigotry, separation, injustices in the law and law-keepers, and the like. One would think that I would be an angry Black Man, but that certainly is not the case. Like MLK and many others like him, I believe in finding peaceful means of dealing with the racial issues rather than violent ones. Even though both methods have proven to be remotely successful to a degree, ultimately you cannot achieve true peace by using chaos. It’s like fighting fire with fire.

The laws of nature are very specific. The law of Karma (cause and effect) mandates that each cause bring about a corresponding effect. What you dish out is what returns to the source from which it originated. Evil begets evil and peace begets peace. Using fire to put out a fire is not wise. Using the same destructive energy that perpetuated racism and bigotry is not the way to cure it. We need to counteract a specific energy with its polar opposite in order to extinguish it.

Since we cannot see into the invisible realm where spiritual channels such as energies exist, it is easy to assume that they are not being enforced. Our minds want to see the smoking gun and know a bullet was just fired. In the spiritual universe where universal laws prevail much that happens is unseen. We only see the results of the laws but rarely are we conscious of the actual law, as they are being met.

With issues such as racial matters much of the factors that control the output are unseen. This makes it difficult to trace the smoking gun. Many social rifts that control society are so subtle that you may not consciously trace them as they are happening, but you do see their effects. With racial bigotry we will have to go deeper into the source in order to affect a cure. Where there is hate we need to apply love as the remedy rather than more hate. Sweeping such issues as racial matters under the rug is definitely not the most effective measure of dealing with it.

I would personally love to see a day when we could openly discuss things such as race without sparking fires. If people make their minds up that they want to find a cure then such a mutual goal would dictate and resonate in the hearts and minds of people. On the other hand, if they come to the table with a chip on their shoulder sparks will ignite. From those sparks fires will break out. Negative energies only bring forth more of its kind. When the hearts and minds of people are controlled by love and the desire to improve and/or solve the problems, most of the work would have already been completed even before people gathered.

As a free soul in the universe I would like to offer my hand with the race card in it to anyone who would like to see racial bigotry eradicated. Even though certain situations and circumstances of the past may say otherwise, I am only interested in a particular present that will manifest a predictable future. I am no longer motivated by hate, fear, self-gratification, selfish ambitions, or by forces of evil. I genuinely want to see a world that is motivated by love rather than hate. If I start by eradicating hate from my heart, I will become loveable rather than hate-able. The reasons why we are in this position are no longer important to me. In fact, they are the chains that keep me from reaching my ultimate goal, which is to love. I wish to love my fellow men and to be loved by them. Perhaps this may be too lofty a goal to set, but I must reach for it.

Will you join me?

I just dealt the race card; will anyone come and play cards with me?