WHEN A MAN SAYS, "I DO," TO MARRIAGE; HE IS SAYING I DO TO WHAT HE WAS RECEIVING DURING THE COURTING STAGE. IF THINGS CHANGE, I.E. FREQUENCY OF SEX, THEN THAT IS NOT WHAT HE COMMITTED TO UNTIL DEATH DO THEE PART.
When a man engages into a long-term relationship with a female chances are his expectations are much different from his partner's. During the courting stage both parties are trying to impress each other, especially if there seems to be enough chemical attraction.
With males the attraction could be something as simple as sex appeal. It could be something much deeper, but during that early stage of the game it is much too early for him to tell what may be attracting him.
With females he may have a "knight in shinning armor" under his rough exterior, but she intuitively senses that beyond what he knows about himself. In that case she is willing to go to the next level knowing the potential jewel she may have discovered. At that early stage the attraction is very superficial, but both parties are willing to fish a bit deeper to see if this might be the "real thing."
When the male cast his line into the deep waters he is usually trying to see if he can get into the sack with the least amount of resistance. Flowers, dinner and a movie, a stroll on the beach holding hands and gazing into her eyes, all this he is willing to do because he is fishing for his prime catch. If he sees enough potential he may be willing to reveal his sensitive emotional side, as long as there is a decent possibility of getting what he truly wants. Obviously she knows what he really wants so in order to keep him coming she may choose to use her “trump card” if, or when necessary. If she don't have to use the trump card she may decide to keep him hanging as long as he is willing to keep coming back and keep romancing her.
When the woman is fishing deep she is looking for a mate that is reliable, dependable, and one that will protect and defend her above all others. She desperately craves security, that feeling she got from her father, if she had a decent one. Even if she didn't, she created an image of an “ideal man” in her mind; that is the picture she is seeking to paint in her selected mate.
She realizes that the more she gives the man what he wants, the more he is willing to come back until finally they were inseparable; she has him on wiggling her baited hook. She was able to open him up and talk about all sorts of deep things because he was a captive on her baited hook. He was willing to give her exactly what she so dearly wanted and needed. In essence she was willing to give him her precious goods because he opened up and did everything he knew in order to make her feel completely safe and at ease.
What really happened in that engagement? The man was fishing as shallow as possible to get what he desired and the woman was willing to fish as deep as needed in order to get what she so desired. Both parties had two entirely different expectations but at the moment they were willing to settle as long as they were getting what they desired at the time.
After marriage a new dynamic takes place. To a man's way of thinking, he wanted things to remain the same as when he was courting, including the regular passionate sex. In a woman's mind she has caught her fish so there is no need to go out of her way to do things just to please him. In truth the man was shallow in the beginning and the woman was deep from the beginning. Both parties did what they needed to do in order to accomplish what they wanted.
An all to familiar scenario you paint, I remember it well. I too belong to the mature male category, married 30+ years to the same woman, who bait I went for aggressively in my youth. However, 3 decades later and 4 male children now adults and single behind me. I have observed some very significant changes in the Man-Woman, "cat & mouse scenario". I think these changes our brought on by societal shifts in the role woman play today as opposed to how our mothers and grandmothers brought them up to be. I think this has effected and shifted the attitudes, expectations and action of men today.
ReplyDeleteOver the years, I have observed my sons going out on dates that are not dates from my recollection of what a date was. They actually will hangout with women as "home-girls" or female buddies. This concept was unheard of in my time. You would never even pretend that this "Platonic thing" was going be legit. That wasn't considered a manly move, however I finding out that it quite common, these days.
Some of the factors for this might be that women no longer see men as there best opportunity for security. Women are earning substantial salaries in all area of society today and in a lot of cases have exceeded men in this area proportionally. Women today are well-educated in most cases and are independent thinkers that don't need the guidance and protection that marriage afforded our mothers and grandmothers. Sexually women have liberated themselves and openly explore more sexual options, i.e lesbianism, bi-sexuality, "bi-curiousness" (a term I learned from my sons)not to mention the endless variety of toys available for self-manipulation sold on cable t.v. and are discretely delivered to homes all over America daily.
Traditions has been rocked to its core. I don't know if I could survive the war of the sexes if I was in my twenty's today. It seems that men got to come with a different game plan in order to stay on top of the battle of the sexes. Could it be that perhaps its in the enlighten best interest of the sexes to seek friendship first rather than seeking to objectify the other? An interesting question, I'm leaving it up to my sons to figure this one out. I just a old hooked fish that's been cooked.
The battle of the sexes. UGH!!! The diferences in the male and female approach to relationships must be understood in context. The US, Western approach has evolved to increasingly value "independence" - everyone has the right to his/her own self-satisfation. The other matters only to the extend that he/she promotes my satisfaction and happiness.Viewed from this perspective, relationships are about us getting more of what we want - money, status, power, respect, sex.
ReplyDeleteThus, we approach the opposite sex with particular outcomes in mind. Generally, these are not long-term - mostly immediate or short-term. The choice of one mate/date/partner over another is based on this immediacy. Over time society and culture has evolved so that we attempt to maintain institutions that don't work for us. - Marriage/partnership for the economic sustainability of the partnership. No, for the economic betterment of myself at the expense of the other. Ultimayely, we need a new evaluation/asseemnet of our values. Only then can change happen.